I rang Michael tonight and Rod was over there

(remember Claire’s hand-on-tit man?). He was making a lot of noise and so we couldn’t talk much. I invited him to the movies on Saturday.

I did a draft plan for my Enviro CAT tonight so that’s cool. I want to get a really good mark for it.

I didn’t go to C&A today. I came home and cooked a cheesecake. It turned out that Mum had been shopping and bought the stuff for me but I’d already bought it myself. So I might make another one tomorrow.

The reason why I’m writing such short and virtually meaningless sentences is that I’m really not thinking about cheesecakes at all. I’m thinking of many things – rape being one of them because I just watched the end of a program on channel 2 about rape. It showed rape victims talking about what had happened to them. The pain they feel is just unbelievable because often it is people they trust. Mum warned me about Daniel and I agree. He strikes me as a bit of a date rapist just from the way he has pressurised me so far.

Michael is a lot safer I think. I can’t wait until I see him again.

I don’t know what to write about because my mind is in a state of half stability/half confusion. I’m stable on top but there’s a lot underneath that even I can’t see or work out. I feel like Layla is growing away from me (a lot of that feeling is because of Moppy’s relationship with her) and I don’t want that to happen. But what can I do? Shit. I don’t know. She’s probably made some sort of a decision that because he’s staying here at the end of the year he’s more worthwhile as a friend. Well that’s bollocks! Fuck! I hate the feeling of things slipping beyond my control, to a point where all I can do is wave goodbye and cry.

But it’s not beyond my control yet. All I have to do is be a better friend. But I always ring her and she doesn’t ring me. She needs me and I need her but she doesn’t realise it. We’re so the same, we have done the same things and want to do the same things and I can’t lose her. I don’t know how she feels. Now I’m crying. Fuck. I’ll go and read some Monty Python. And wait with bated breath for the weekend.

Daniel just rang

Daniel just rang and he’s still pushing me for a relationship but I’m obviously not interested in the slightest. We’re having coffee at 10:00 on Friday morning at the Pink Deli in Glenhuntly Road so I’ll talk to him then. He’s very pushy in a shy and unassuming sort of a way. But I’m not going to be pressurised because I just don’t want him. So good night, on that very decisive note.

am going to go to bed early tonight because I think I’ve pulled a muscle in my back and it hurts like buggery.

I did my oral today and everyone really liked it. I think that Will might like me. I have a feeling he’s the same one that liked me in the 10s and 11s. So! I’m going to ring Michael tomorrow night.

I talked to Layla tonight. I wrote Mim because I was thinking of Moppy and Mim. Layla says he really likes her. I have this funny feeling of ‘unfinished business’ between us, as if something more should be done or should happen before I let go of him. Maybe all that needs to happen is for me to experience someone else and begin to not forget, but to put what’s happened in the past. I think Michael is perfect for that. He is gorgeous, nice, simple, safe and fun – all the things I said I wanted at the moment. I don’t want to have to spend a hell of a lot of time working him out, but I want him to be intelligent enough to think about things other than sex or football. The prospect of another sexual relationship doesn’t really appeal to me at the moment. But we’ll see. I thought sex was simple but it’s bloody complicated. I thought it wasn’t affecting me and then BOOM and I miss it like hell. Not just it, though, it’s the intimacy. That’s what I wanted with Moppy, which we had sometimes but not very often – that we were really sharing something of ourselves and it was a proof of our love for each other. I think it was both our faults that most of the time it didn’t turn out that way. It was just bonk and turn over and go to sleep. It was nice of him to say that he’s glad I was the first.

But Mum told me today that basically he is less thoughtful and inward looking than I am, and that I was constantly trying to credit him with more intelligence than he really had. Basically he really doesn’t think about things very much. It’s still so hard though to think of him with someone else. We’d been together so long that I feel as if he’s still mine, as if he can’t be doing this because he really belongs to me. But that’s not really true at all. He doesn’t belong to me, and I don’t belong to him. I am free, and he is free, and that’s all there is to it. I am free to do whatever I want to. And I will. I want things to go further with Michael but I also want to take it very slowly. Tomorrow I’ll ring him and ask him out to see Strictly Ballroom again on Saturday (if my friends can get their shit together). That’s not too pushy.

Michael rang!

To tell you the truth I didn’t really expect him to, so it’s cool. I feel pretty non-committal but he invited me to Rob & 4 other people’s 18th next Sunday night. He gave me his phone number and said he’d ring me back later this week. I might ring him on Wednesday night.

Pipi and I had a really good talk to Ashleigh today about leaving school. She wants to go to Ballarat Uni and do performing arts – it’s all she wants to do. So we checked it up for her in the Good Universities Guide and it turns out that she needs year 12. So we said, just to make her goal the finishing of year 11 for now, then decide on the holidays what she wants to do next year.

It made me think about my goals and what I want to do. If I make my goal Melbourne Uni Arts, with a score of 133, I can have something real to aim for and try and get my exam results up by studying. So, I won’t watch any more television (that’s easy), I’ll clean my desk so I can work in here if the TV’s on. I’ll make study cards for all my exams. That’s not too much. Then, I’ll give a plan of my Enviro CAT to Bill on Thursday. I need to read through all my stuff and THINK. But relax – if you don’t relax you can’t think. Try and get more work done before tea so you get more sleep. Get into a work routine. Lecture yourself when you get too lazy! What the fuck, Ruth, there’s less than three months left, and then you’re going to JAPAN!!! Hallelujah!

Sorry I can’t write much but my hand’s sore. I’ll keep you abreast of developments.

Love ruthless at getting her work done! The VCE queen, she skewers cats by the balls.

I wrote the time and then decided that I don’t want to write any more.

Oh, I just rang Layla and Moppy went over there. Moppy rang me this morning looking for Layla and he said that he had a shit time last night. Mim was ignoring him and I think he’s rethinking. He thought I was in a shit with him but I’m just feeling uncomfortable talking to him. So. Something might be happening between him and Layla I feel. Oh well. It will be hard but it’s really the most logical thing.

I have to write 2 pages tonight because this stands for two days.

Yesterday Jessie came over in the morning and then we went together on the 623 bus to Layla’s house. Jessie went home. At Layla’s, I helped her rearrange her hut, we watched Rowan Atkinson on tape and then waited around and put on our makeup etc. Then Punky turned up. He has got a bacterial infection in one ear and didn’t we know it.

So, Layla’s dad drove us to the Tropical restaurant. We went to the bottle shop and got some wine, then sat around for a while because we were about the first to get there. Blah blah blah, basically. Kate was nice. Talking to Moppy was a bit of a stress but less than usual.

Serena and Minnie got drunk and Serena sang a solo at the piano. It sounded great but loud and the manager got pissed off. It turns out the manager of the place was a guy who picked Meaghan, Bella, Fish and Layla up in a Rolls Royce in year 10 and tried to rape Bella. FUCK is all I can say.

Anyway. They played ‘Bamboleo’ by the Gypsy Kings and people started dancing until the manager turned the music down. I had fun with Chris and had a good talk to him throughout the night. Moppy came over a few times to talk to us and that was uncomfortable but nice. I had a really good talk to Laurie and also Violet, who’s worried about Jimmy. Laurie is really nice. She sat next to me while I didn’t eat my horrible dinner (except for the chips) and other people sat around talking and not eating theirs. The amount of food that came out of that kitchen was about the same as the amount that went in!

After the mean everyone left pretty quickly. We went to Marcie Ross’s house who is a friend of Kate’s. Moppy and Mim and that crown didn’t come, thank god, because things were a lot more fun without them. I got a lift to Marcie’s in Chris’s car. Chris wasn’t drinking because he was driving so he was pretty good to talk to.

Everyone was sociably drunk when we got to the house, so things fired up pretty quickly. There weren’t many people there and the music was mostly shit but it was the best fun I’ve had in a long time. I danced for most of the night with Layla, Serena, Minnie and Claire and we just had a really good time. Minnie and Serena were pissed as farts and started dancing on the dining room table.

Now I’ll explain the Michael situation. Kate invited him to the party because he is a friend of Frank’s. I’ve met him twice before – once at Darren’s party last year where I also met Chris and Mark (blurgh): and once at Kate and Chris’s party. He used to go out with this girl called Barbara from Firbank who I met at the Brighton Grammar formal when I was in year 10! So there’s a few connections.

Anyway, apparently he told Kate that he liked Marcie. So Kate told Marcie and Marcie told me. She didn’t know whether she liked him, and about halfway through the night she came up to me and said she didn’t think she did. Well! I don’t know. The reason I am explaining all this is that Jessie rang me today and seems to think that Marcie is in a shit with me for more than ringing at 3:00 in the morning.

So I’ll explain the course of events. We were all dancing and Michael came and danced with us and talked about the Cure. I can’t remember whether Marcie was there or not. Then we were talking (him and me) then Marcie came over and started talking too. We went into the bedroom where Jenny and her new interest Charles were. We talked to them, and it looked like Marcie and Michael were getting pretty friendly so I left. I went to talk to this absolute dork John who was sitting on the couch playing with the dog. He was so vague he asked me three times what school I went to and what my name was.

Anyway, the turning point came when Michael came over and sat in a beanbag next to me. Marcie came over too and we were all talking. Then Michael started playing with my hair and holding my hand. I kept asking Marcie (in sign language) if it was OK with her and she just shrugged. Then ‘Tainted Love’ came on and we got up to dance (the three of us). Then I don’t know what happened but me and Michael ended up close dancing and then getting. Marcie disappeared.

I had a big talk to mum today and we worked out that if Marcie’s got a problem then it’s her problem. If she couldn’t make up her mind she could have told me that she wasn’t happy with what I was doing. So anyway, I don’t even know whether he’s going to ring me yet. There will be a good side if he doesn’t. So it doesn’t matter. Phew! I’m glad I’ve worked that one out.

Pucka and Minnie caused trouble at the house because they both got sloshed and were dancing with each other. Jessie got really upset. I don’t think that Pucka and Minnie want to get back together, but they’re adjusting to being friends again after not talking for so long. But as Jessie said this morning, it’s a pretty shitty time to be doing it when they’re both in relationships. It would have been better if Sasha was there but apparently he didn’t want to come.

Pucka was apparently asking Minnie all about Sasha, so I think he’s still got a thing for her. I think the feeling is mutual and it’s making Jessie really uncomfortable. But what can be done? Nothing much. Shit happens and I guess everyone just has to try and find their own way.

I will write more tonight if I have the energy.

Sorry I didn’t write last night but I was too pissed and tired and I forgot.

I ended up staying at Minnie’s house because the others left early and I wanted to stay with Michael. He is gorgeous and I hope he rings me. I suppose my star sign was true because he was totally unexpected – he’s a guy I was trying for the night I met Moppy at Kate and Chris’s party. I think Jessie was crapped off at me for staying and Marcie is definitely crapped because I rung her house at 3:00 this morning to apologise – don’t ask me why. I will have to say sorry because I woke her dad up. FUCK. So I feel a bit seedy at the moment and I wish I had gone to Marcie’s. But, no regrets hey. I didn’t do anything major.

I’m sitting on Hampton station writing this and my legs are sore because I did too much dancing. I think Layla understands me because she told me to stay and she’d cover for me if Mum rang. God I hope she does. I feel a bit imbecile. Oh well. It’s not the first (or the last) time probably. I’ll write more tonight. I have to do some work today.

I am going to clean my room tomorrow.

Talk about messy. It’s embarrassing. So. That’s the first thing I thought when I came in the door tonight.

We went to the festival and it was good. There were HEAPS of people in the city and the lights were beautiful. We walked all the way to Bourke St mall and back to the Alfred Hospital where the car was parked. Me and Marcie talked non stop about EVERYTHING. It was cool. We talked walking down the street, we talked in the car, everywhere. After we’d been in the city for a while and walked down the Yarra bank into this new big building there, we went to Acland st to get some tea. On the Yarra Bank, there were these speakers attached to the metal barricade which were playing recorded noises of the city, like trams clanging and bells ringing and water sloshing and stuff. Marcie couldn’t work out where it was coming from so she bent right down to listen to one of them and this whole group of people came along and were laughing at her. It was so funny, but I guess you had to be there.

In Acland st we went to Deveroli’s Deli which is so expensive but it was about the only thing open. We looked on the breakfast menu just for fun and a bowl of coco-pops with milk and fresh fruit cost $5.90!!! FUCK!!! We had coffee and I had falafel which weren’t as nice as the ones a bit further down the street, then we drove to drop Marcie home, then we came back here.

I had such a good talk to Marcie, it was cool. She is so good to talk to about all the people and all the goss.

Well, I am freezing my ass off writing this because the whole top of my body is sticking out of the blankets so I think I’ll remedy that and read myself to sleep with good old Sherlock Holmes. They’re rivetting! See ya later!

Pucka, Jessie, Punky, Layla and Marcie just left after we all had coffee and watched the Young Ones (AGAIN, talk about déjà vu!).

Anyway, it was cool fun. I have a suspicion, however, that Pucka is not saying nice things about Jessie behind her back. Punky was touchy and he asked Jessie a few times what Pucka had said to her, as if he expected her to be mean. SO. I don’t know. It doesn’t strike me as working very well.

Anyway, tonight Mum, Stan, me and Marcie are choofing off to the Melbourne Festival. Niki Papp went last night and said it was absolutely fantastic. I saw her on the station tonight going to Richmond Library. She has invited me to her 18th birthday party. Cool!

Today at school Pipi had some camp photos and she deliberately got two for the price of one so that she could give some away. So through her, I have my first photos of Heartville!

Anyway, it was really cool. It was a great place to work because it was relaxed. I got a reasonable amount done. It hasn’t even been a month since I got back from study camp and started writing a diary every day again! I can’t believe it. So much has happened and I’ve written so much! In two days I will have been writing for a month, since the thirteenth of August. Gee! Word, as Mitch would say. He apparently got in trouble at school for his dirty dancing at the formal. Marcie said she had a good laugh when the Politics teacher at Plinkton got into him for it. I would have liked to have seen his face. It gives me great pleasure to see Mitch embarrassed.

So. What else have I to say? I did a lot of work today and I also had a good day. I spent a while trying to convince Ashleigh not to leave school at the end of the year. She wants to because she reckons the teachers are on her back and she just can’t make herself work. She’s done year 11 once already and left last year and she doesn’t think she can face year twelve. She says she wants to be free, but it’s not freedom. She might have freedom of choice but her choice will be limited by her education qualifications. She is so smart, if she’d just work she could get through next year. But I guess she needs to want to do it herself. No one can make her. I hate it that she can’t stick it out!

My hand is getting sore so I’ll leave you now. I’ll write more tonight about the Melbourne Festival OK!

I have an enviro exam tomorrow and feel shitty about it.

Today has been a very social day but not a very productive one. Layla was here in the morning and she was supposed to be doing her Chem CAT but she didn’t. We talked about everything from Moppy to Richard. Then after school Jessie and Punk came (Layla came back after going to school for a while) and everyone ended up staying for tea. It was good fun but now I feel shitty about getting nothing done. I will go to school early tomorrow morning so I can study for a while with everyone else.

I should be fairly confident. I have solid background knowledge on Greenhouse, Acid Rain and Ozone Depletion. And most of the questions are based on data which is given to you. I don’t know. I just feel melancholy. Maybe it’s not the exam.

Jessie was telling me this afternoon that Mim was wanting to talk to me because she felt really bad. So I rang her (she was too chicken to call me because she thought I’d be angry). She was really happy and we virtually just talked trivia. But it was good. I don’t like Mim but it’s probably best to be on her good side. I invited her out to the moives with us on Saturday. It will be good having to go to the movies with Mim and Mopp together because it will get me prepared for Saturday night. I don’t know how I will feel. I feel fine now. I feel alright about those two going out now because I also know that Moppy is not lost to me. I don’t know. All I can do is wait. But I’m so impatient!!! I want someone else now. Someone who’s not like Daniel. Someone who’s safe, and non-threatening and good looking and near and prepared to take it slow.

Minnie rang me and she reckons I should let it happen with Daniel but I don’t know – there’s something about him that I’m wary of and can’t open up to. I think it’s no go there – I’m trusting my intuition. Maybe I should ask the Tarot. I haven’t listened to what the Tarot has told me once though. It told me to stay away from Mark and I didn’t because I didn’t want to. And it told me not to be hasty about changing to Heartville and I was very hasty. I have made many mistakes in the last year. I need to weigh things up. I haven’t been working to my potential at all this year. Now, no regrets, but try it now! Enviro exam you can’t do much about but you’ve still got nine other CATs to possibly excel at! And you can’t take it for granted that you will get what you want!

I just feel so vague. I was trying to study today and every five minutes I would find myself looking out the window a thousand miles away.

I am going to sleep now and dream environmental thoughts. I will clear my mind of everything else and fill it with exam questions (and ANSWERS). Get your act together, Ruth! Nothing will happen if you sit around on your backside and droob! FUCK! Even while I’m writing this I’m not really listening to myself so I think I’ll go to sleep. Goodnight, sleep tight and get those muscles pumping tight! Alright! Everything’s gonna be alright (with a little help from my brain).

I don’t think I’ll be able to be bothered deciphering this diary if I ever read it again. Talk about messy! It’s my stressed hand that’s doing it! See ya!

Signed by that immaculate entity of ribald juiciness

RUTH the inventor of strange titles for strange Aquarians with stubby toes and backward bending legs.

Damn, no liquid paper. How could I forget something so elementary? Maybe that’s why her arms are short. I’m no good at self portraits, but who gives a shit.

God I am sick of doing things I don’t want to do. It gets so I don’t know what I do want any more. This sounds really negative but really I’m just confused and unmotivated.

Good luck for the exam, Roothy Dooth, as Dee calls me.

I talked to Layla tonight and then I rang Moppy again to try and sort things out once and for all.

The tone of voice was the same right through, for me as well as for him. Basically we were getting nowhere. We were hurling recriminations at each other and I just felt like shit. Then we got onto the ‘personal insults’ although I didn’t really say anything to him except that I hated some things about him. He said that was the difference between us – that I hate and therefore I’m a negative person. Then we got onto the fact that neither of us want to go out with the other any more, then he said that in fact he didn’t know what he ever saw in me anyway. That was when I hung up. I rang Layla and cried and then I rang Pucka because I needed to talk to a guy and he cheered me up.

Then while I was in the shower at about 7:00 Moppy rang. He rang back a little later and said he was really sorry about everything and that he thought about it and can we be friends now. So! Finally he’s thinking! I’m glad he rang and now things are good between us and I hope they’re never bad again. He said he loved me as a friend and I can’t quite bring myself to say that yet. But the feeling is mutual.

So, Saturday night should be good. I invited Moppy around for coffee with Layla and Pucka and Jessie on Friday after school. I hope that Moppy and Pucka will talk to each other.

The reason why I rang Moppy tonight was that according to Layla who talked to him this afternoon, he still didn’t think that I wanted to be his friend. Shit! I don’t know. I was being really sharp and abrupt in talking to him but that’s because I just can’t really properly deal with talking to him about what’s gone on and there’s too many feelings threatening to explode.

Apparently Mim has a real jealousy problem with Layla at the moment. She doesn’t have one with me because she thinks that Moppy and I are not friends. But she actually stopped Moppy staying at Layla’s place after Kate’s party next Saturday! He’s staying at Butch’s now.

Mum thinks that Layla has a thing for Moppy and that I should watch them. I don’t know. I’m sick of all this suspicion and intrigue shit. It would be OK if it didn’t hurt anybody but it does, badly. I am Moppy’s friend and he is mine and we have earned each other, if only by the amount of time we’ve spent together. And Layla and Moppy are in almost the same situation. Mim can’t grudge that.

Layla is coming over tomorrow morning to do her Chem CAT here before she goes to school. It will be good to see her for any length of time. In the last few weeks it seems like she’s moved away from me. Or maybe I’ve moved away from her. I don’t know.

I started filling out (or planning the filling out) of my VTAC form tonight. Shit it takes a long time. I worked out if I base on the CAT results I’ve got so far, I should get a score of around 125 or higher, out of 164. That is pretty good. I want to do Arts at Melbourne though, which has a score of 133. But I think I will do better in my CATs this semester, so I could do it!

So far, these are my marks (which I have received, verified and everything):

Biol CAT 1 – B+ (got verified down from A+)
CAT 2 – A

Env CAT 1 – C (got verified down from B)

C&A CAT 1 – C+

Eng This one’s not official, but Jan told me that for CAT 1 I got A+!!!

It’s what I expected on the whole except for Enviro. I think it got verified down because I didn’t use the criteria as headings. I based my Environmental Effects Statement on a real one rather than the strict criteria. I thought that was a good idea and so did Bill but it obviously wasn’t. I’ll have to remember that.

I have to study for Enviro tomorrow and also get some Maths done. I really have to work and no excuses, OK?

I’ll see ya tomorrow!